The Incompatibility Gap: But Are We Really Incompatible
Every spouse is incompatible with every other spouse. However, this does not rule out that spouses, who see themselves as incompatible with one another, can have a successful marriage. There are two types of incompatibility, both of which can come up at any time in a marriage.
- A problem with no solution
Daryl and Margie have been married for twenty-eight years. They had successfully raised three children. Both worked, and they accumulated a modest estate. With more time on his hands, Daryl took sailing lessons on a nearby lake and loved it. He signed up for more advanced lessons near the Canary Islands. He then began to think about owning a sailboat and began to shop and found a sailboat that he liked that was for sail in the Bahamas. All the while, Margie showed no interest in sailing, although she encouraged Daryl because he was so excited. Neither of them saw what was coming. Daryl announced that he wanted to buy the boat in the Bahamas, sail an Atlantic crossing and then sail around the Mediterranean Sea. Margie refused to go with him.
Daryl and Margie have a problem with no solution, other than for Daryl to give up his dream, for Margie to go with him over her own objections, or separate.
Many people considering a marriage have problems with no solutions and are truly incompatible. One wants children; the other does not. One has a job that involves moving every few years, and the other wants to put down roots in one place.
The Solution: Absent successful family counseling, this type of incompatibility can mean a decision not to marry in the first place, a marital separation or endure the incompatibility for as long as possible.
- Differences that lead to disagreements
This type of incompatibility is true of almost every marriage. Some people are lucky and have a modest number of differences that lead to disagreements, but most couples have plenty. Addressing these differences through resolving disagreements is the work of a marriage when the honeymoon period is over. In other words, the key to a successful marriage is to spend much of the time closing the incompatibility gap, by solving one disagreement at a time.
There is some science to this exercise. First and foremost, it is critical to spend most of the marital time having fun. Science tells us that we need about five times as much good time to absorb the stress of one bad time. This is because the emotions involved in a bad time are about five times as strong as the emotions involved in a good time.
Science also tells us that the source of bad times in a marriage begins with the normal differences between people. Some differences never lead to any disagreements, but most do. When spouses successfully resolve disagreements, they close the incompatibility gap.
When spouses fail to resolve disagreements to the satisfaction of both spouses, these disagreements morph into marital conflict and begin taking up more and more time in the marriage. Spouses develop more and more negative opinions and feelings about one another. They either settle for a miserable marriage or they divorce.
The Solution: Science once more gives us a solution: resolving disagreements to the satisfaction of both spouses, but it takes learning particular skills. Some spouses learned these skills before marrying, or figured them out while married, but most do not. The reason is simple: Before marriage became egalitarian, beginning in the 1960’s, roles designated a final decision-maker. Generally, this meant husbands, but in many families, it meant wives when it came to child-rearing and household chores. The modern marriage has no final decision-maker. Now, every disagreement takes disagreement resolution skills.
The Important take-away. This subject is the thrust of our book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work. The goal is to enjoy most of the marriage and limit arguing to about one-fifth of the time. By resolving disagreements to the satisfaction of both spouses, they slowly but surely make the marital relationship more compatible.
