Healthy Children Outcomes Series – 9. The Co-parenting relationship Part one: Rules and Procedures
In this Blog, we begin to look at the co-parenting relationship, which is the most important predictor of long-term outcomes for children with separated parents. Not only does the quality of the co-parenting relationship by itself predict outcomes, the co-parenting relationship strongly influences the other predictors. If the quality is good, the other predictors are typically improved dramatically, but if the quality is poor, the other predictors tend to help less and hurt more. For much more detail on developing an effective co-parenting relationship, consider our Workbook, Co-Parenting Training Workbook, which includes examples, exercises and suggestions that we cannot provide in a brief Blog. The Workbook can be ordered from www.unhookedbooks.com.
What we want to do in this Blog and the next is describe the first two sets of rules and procedures of an effective co-parenting relationship and give some pointers on how to get there. In the next and final Blog of this Series, we will list the last three sets of rules and procedures.
However, before beginning, mindset is important. The goal is to have rules and procedures that work even when people want little to do with one another and perhaps even hate one another. Rules and procedures only work when people do not cheat. Cheating can occur in one of two ways: not being honest and not following the rules. The mindset, therefore, is to be honest and follow the rules. Keep in mind that a co-parenting relationship is more effective even if only one parent is honest and follows the rules. However, the outcome for children will be much improved when both parents are honest and follow the rules.
The first step is to set goals. A good way to do this is to imagine your children at 25 years old answering the question, “What was it like growing up with separated parents?” What would you like to hear? This can lead to setting goals. Another way to do this is to visualize what type of childhood you would like them to have and think about the challenges to that vision that come from having separated parents. Finally, think about what type of relationship you would like your children to have with both parents, so that you can both be involved in their adulthoods, such as going to weddings, being involved with grandchildren and so on.
Social science research tells us that there are five sets of rules and procedures that are needed:
- Sharing information
- Child friendly transitions
- A flexible schedule
- Coordinating parenting in the two homes
- Problem solving and joint decision-making
Sharing information might be frightening if the past co-parenting relationship has been conflictual, because it involves communication and contact with one another. However, of all of the five rules and procedures, sharing information is the safest and easiest to do. There are just three steps: (1) making a list of the information that is to be shared; (2) setting up a means of sharing that information; and, (3) making rules that make sharing information emotionally safe. What research tells us is that when everyone involved in a situation has the same body of information, most problems go away by themselves or are avoided entirely.
Making the list starts with two assumptions. First, both parents have a right to all information about the children, and neither parent has the right to any private information about the other parent’s life. Second, the focus is on the information that the other parent wants, not on the information that the parent sharing thinks is needed. In other words, when making the list of information, each parent states what is important to him or her. Keep mind the first assumption – it must be about the children. For example, you might want to know what the children are going to be doing the next weekend when they are with the other parent. If so, just put that on the list.
There are 4 types of information to be shared. Therefore, you need four procedures: (1) general information – to be shared in a weekly telephone call; (2) emergency information – where you discuss how soon you want it, what constitutes an emergency and a means of contact; (3) transition information – important information to share that will help the other parent when the children are leaving a parent, including a means of getting that information to the other parent; and (4) paperwork that should be shared, including a method to implement the sharing.
The final step is to establish rules and procedures to make sharing information emotionally safe. You might be tempted to only work online with emails or text messages. These methods are both tedious and inefficient, although they might have some uses. Text messages might be perfect for transition information and scanning and sending paperwork might work well. However, the weekly exchange of general information should be in person or on the telephone. Make rules that involve being respectful, informative and staying on topic. Keep in mind that your children cannot feel emotionally safe when their parents are not emotionally safe with one another. Include in the lists “fun information,” so that you can both enjoy your children, no matter where they are. Revise the list as needed. Never start a sentence with, “You didn’t tell me . . .” Start with, “I’d like to add something to our list.”
Child friendly transitions are generally given little consideration by parents, and yet most children describe transitions from home to home as one of the more stressful experiences they have. Look at it through the eyes of a child. They are leaving a loved parent and coming to a parent that they have not seen for a while. They don’t know if there will be nasty questions or dirty looks between their parents. They have to think about the differences in the homes and maybe even how their friends can contact them easily. They might have to deal with a sad parent they are leaving or an anxious parent they are greeting, or worse, angry parents.
The first step is to plan transitions so that these sources of stress can be minimized, or ideally, eliminated. Have a pleasant goodbye ritual (e.g., send a cookie for the child and the other parent), and a pleasant hello ritual (have a 5-minute talk about what the child did at the other home. Note, if you are sharing information, those questions can be like, “Your dad said you were going to see the new Disney movie; how was it?”). Greet the other parent in a pleasant way. Have a system that makes social contacts easy for the child. Think this through.
The second step is to ask the “experts”! Ask your children if there is anything their parents can do to make transitions easier and/or what are the hard parts of transitions. You will not be able to take all of the stress out of transitions, but you can likely make them less stressful. When you have information from one another and/or from the children, have a planning meeting and make rules and procedures to make child-friendly transitions for your children. And, for Pete’s sake, be on time!
We will address the remaining three co-parenting topics in the next Blog. Remember, the focus is on rules and procedures, not how you feel about each other. Start today!
