Getting Perspective on Being Divorced Parents – 4. Listening to Friends and Family

Introduction. In Blog 1 of this Series, Getting a Perspective on Being Divorced Parents, we introduced both the importance of and the challenges to getting a broader perspective on a healthy co-parenting relationship.  In Blog #2, we asked you, not only to be curious but also use your imagination. In Blog 3, we asked you to imagine what your children would say about their parents’ co-parenting relationship, once they are adults looking back.  In this Blog, we ask you to pick three or four of the people on the list you made in Blog 1 who might have helpful perspectives, and who will, at your request, be brutally honest with you.

However, keep in mind that the perspectives of others are not necessarily accurate.  Thus, when you hear them, there is no need to challenge them or give them additional information about the situation. It is not the purpose of this exercise to convince other people that your perspective is the only one or the best one.  In fact, because others have limited information, it is unlikely that their perspectives will be totally true.  At the same time, their perspectives might include information that is true and can be helpful to you.  Particularly listen for positive information about your co-parent and for your contributions to the conflict in your relationship with your co-parenting partner (CPP).

When relying on information solicited from third parties, you need to be aware that all humans have three built-in biases.  A bias is a way of thinking that distorts the way things really are.  This is dangerous, because if we make decisions and choices based on a distorted view of another person or a situation, our choices are likely to be wrong and could do more harm than good.  Humans developed three biases over time, which were necessary at the time and for good reason, but are no longer as useful:

1. Overconfidence bias: People tend to give more credit to their own opinions than they are due and are quick to see themselves as “right” and the other person as “wrong.” This is a type of arrogance. We not only see this all the time in political discussions, but also in many marriages and many divorces.
2. Us-them-tribal-warfare bias: People tend to look at themselves and those on their “side” as the “good guys” and people on the other side as the “bad guys”. This can be fun, like having a favorite sports team, but it can be dangerous when we “go to war” with our CPP and with any friends or family that are on our CPP’s side.
3. Judgement bias: People tend to judge others by their actions, and judge themselves by their motives, thereby putting their actions in a positive light. This is even more dangerous than it sounds, because not only do we have a tendency to judge other people by their actions, but also, we make inferences (guesses) about their motives- oftentimes wrong guesses.  For example, look at the following: “She says bad things about me to the children.  She knows that the way to really hurt me is to turn the kids against me.  I have to tell the children the truth so that they understand what is really going on.”  He is judging her by what he thinks are her actions, probably because one of the children said something.  He is guessing her motives.  Then he does the same thing, but justifies it because his motive is good.

Thus, two CPPs might engage in the same behavior with one another, with each of them seeing themselves as in the “right” the other person in the “wrong,” and their own actions as justified by their motives.

By listening to the perspectives of others, particularly friends and family, and especially when we hear positive views of the CPP and critical views of ourselves, we can undo some of the destructiveness that comes from these biases.

Stop. The task is to stop and ask the people on your list (informed friends or family) to speak with you.  Explain that you are trying to get an objective perspective of your family, especially the co-parenting relationship, so that you can improve it.  Ask the person to be brutally honest with you and specifically mention that you really want to hear any positive views about the CPP and any criticisms of you.  You want an honest perspective, not just to hear good things about you and bad things about the CPP.  Here are some sample questions.

“Tell me what you have liked about . . . (CPP)”

“How would you describe the relationship between the children and . . .? (CPP)”

“What do you think of the way I relate to . . .? (CPP)”

“In what ways does it seem that (CPP) and I negatively affect the children?”

“If you had to list three things that I could do to improve, what would they be?”

Look & Listen.  Ask questions if you need to understand something better.  Do not try to correct or change the other person’s mind about anything.  Take notes if you might find that helpful.  And thank them!

Homework. Blog #3 was the first step in getting the perspective of your children.  In Blog #5, we will take the next step in understanding your children’s perspective.  However, before that, review in your mind the perspectives that you got from friends or family.  Be honest with yourself.  In business, the process of getting many perspectives is used by business consultants because there are problems in the business.  By getting many different perspectives, the nature and source of the problems can be determined and solutions crafted.  In a sense, you are the family consultant doing a 360 to understand your family and possible generate solutions to problems.