Getting Perspective on Your Co-parenting Relationship – 2. The Use of Imagination
Introduction. In Blog 1 of this Series, Getting Perspective on Your Co-Parenting Relationship, we introduced both the importance of and the challenges to getting a broader perspective on a healthy co-parenting relationship. We hope we were clear on the benefits of doing so. We gave you homework: to make a list of people who might have a helpful perspective on you, on your co-parent and on the family life you are giving to your children. Finally, we encouraged you to be curious and be willing to change your perspective as you look at your situation from the different angles of other’s perspectives.
We quote a famous philosopher, David Deutsch who said that, “It is a fool who does not change an opinion in the face of new information.”[1] The goal of our Getting a Perspective Series is to have an increasingly objective understanding of your family situation so that you can make good choices to improve your family experience and the experience of your children.
In this Blog, we offer exercises to begin the process of perspective taking, that is, developing an ability and the skill to recognize the perspective of others and to make decisions based on a broader perspective that just your own.
Getting perspective is an act of imagination. Most children live in a world of imagination and then have to learn to live in the world of reality. The imagination of some children gets squashed in this process by the immediate concerns of their realities. Those can be as big as major problems in the family or as small as older siblings making fun of them for using their imagination. Some imagination needs to be controlled, such as cheating in games. However, some imagination needs to be nurtured, especially by being read to or reading children’s books. The important point here is that to develop a good ability of getting perspective, imagination needs to be nurtured.
Research studies are instructive. Social science research and studies have found that if a picture of someone in some context is presented to subjects, and the subjects are asked to make up what is going on in the mind of person in the picture, meaning what the situation looks like to the person in the picture, the subjects start out poorly. However, if this is done several times, with new pictures, subjects get better and better at it. Other studies have not used pictures, but present a brief written description of a situation, and the subjects are instructed to describe what one of the characters is thinking about as to what is going on. Those studies found the same results: subjects start out somewhat stilted, but over time, get more and more fluent at describing the probable perspective of the characters.
Imagination may not be predictable but can be instructive. Of course, imagination can be wrong. You might imagine what is going on in someone else’s mind, and what you are guessing might makes a lot of sense and seems right, but if you asked the person, you might find out that you are wrong. However, if the person you asked describes what they were really thinking, it is still an act of imagination on your part, which requires you to put yourself in their shoes and really understand their perspective.
Let us give an example. You see a neighbor who recently moved in that you do not know really well. Maybe you have said hello to one another or waved, but that is it. One day, you see the neighbor standing in their driveway looking up and down the street. You imagine that the neighbor is looking to see if any other neighbors are out because they want to get the feel of the neighborhood. You think about what that would be like, and realize how awkward it can be to move into a neighborhood and not know any people. What you predicted was a pretty good guess, and you actually used your imagination to try to understand what is going on. As a result, you walk over and start a conversation. You plan to introduce the neighbor to the neighborhood, naming other neighbors, and so on. As you begin to talk, your neighbor asks if you have seen her 8-year-old daughter. She explains that her daughter took the dog for a walk, but has been gone a fairly long time. You are finding out that your guess about your neighbor’s perspective is dead wrong. But now, you can put yourself in your neighbor’s shoes and imagine what it would be like to be in a new neighborhood and be missing your daughter. How is that person likely feeling? What might she be thinking? Is she torn between going to look for her daughter or being at home when her daughter returns? This act of imagination is getting your new neighbor’s perspective. Now you can make choices. You might tell your neighbor that you will wait there in case the daughter returns, and therefore your neighbor can go looking for her. Your offer of assistance is likely motivated because you can predict the perspective of the child, that if she is lost, how she might react when seeing her mother rather than a stranger.
As you can see, getting perspective is not only an act of imagination, but also an act of getting more information from other people and continuing your use of imagination to get their perspective. For now, we just want to work on the use of imagination.
Homework: Look at pictures. Those can be in magazines, in newspapers, on television, on book covers, in books or even on photographs in your home. Imagine what the person in the picture’s perspective is: what things look like to him or her from their point of view. Next, read short blurbs, like the quotes used to sell books or the first paragraph on the inside jacket of a book, or a story in a newspaper. Imagine what a character in those situations might be thinking and what his or her perspective might be. Do each of these about ten times in the next week. Now, you will be not only be curious but also using your imagination!
In Blog 3 in this Series, we will be taking the next Step, namely, using imagination to begin to understand your children’s perspective of their family.
[1] “The Beginning of Infinity.”
