Divorce: Winning Isn’t Everything Series – 2. Winning the Conflict Contest
The saying that “It takes two to tango” confronts us with a sad truth. When two people are in ongoing conflict with one another, as is true in many co-parenting relationships, both people are contributing to the conflict. These are called “negative cycles” when an event occurs, and a series of reactions occur by both parents, where they are often saying and doing the same things over and over, with the drama generally ending the same way.
Accusations fly, mean words are spoken, criticisms are thrown at one another. Eventually one or both people walk away steaming with hatred and anger, or worse. It is so painful that they avoid each other as much as possible in the future. The event can be as minor as a parent being late for a transition to the other home, or as important as a child reporting that she saw her mom kissing a stranger.
With the predictable outcome of having the same conflict over and over, we ask, “Why do it again . . . and again?” The answer to that question is somewhat complicated, but one part of it is that both people are trying to win the conflict contest. What does “winning” the conflict contest really mean? To answer that question, let us look at what a “win” might look like. Imagine the loser saying:
“You are right. I really am horribly selfish and do not put our children ahead of what I want.”
“Yes, I would rather have my bottle of beer than a good relationship with the children.”
“You are right, I am a slut.”
“That is correct. I do not love the children and only want to avoid paying child support.”
“I admit that I am a terrible parent and that you are really a great parent.”
“I am mentally unstable, and the children really would be better off with you.”
“I admit I am really trying to replace you with my new husband.”
“I really am not interested in whether or not the children do well.”
“I really am doing everything that I can to turn the children against you, just to prove that I am better than you.”
Do any or many of these sound familiar or foreign? We assume the former is truer. What it comes down to is, “This is the way I see it, why can’t you agree with me?” In other words, “Why won’t you let me win the conflict contest?”
We apologize if you believe we are trying to make this seem trivial. In fact, we are not minimizing the issue at all. These matters are not trivial, but unfortunately, are all too common in many co-parenting relationships.
The thoughts and actions we describe are real, and the feelings run deep. Conflict between separated parents can be as gut-wrenching and all-consuming as the love and excitement they felt when they met- perhaps even more so.
We also want to make another important point. Parents in conflict with one another are being sincere and are looking for relief from the pain, but unfortunately the natural human desire to win prods them to stay in the battle and the conflict contest.
Steve Jobs, the famous CEO of Apple, once said, “The difference between people who fail and people who succeed is persistence.” These are wise words, but also wise is a tale told in Tibet:
A rich man decided that he would like to give back to his village because his village had made it possible for him to become rich. He studied the problem and decided that he would build a road to connect the village with the great trading route, which would bring much wealth to the village. He hired workers, and he began to build the road.
A year later a traveling monk came by, and as was the custom, the rich man offered the monk a meal, which was accepted. During the meal, the monk asked the man what he was doing. The man explained, but the monk began to shake his head until the man asked- what was the problem? The monk, trying to be kind, told the man that he had made a mistake and that the road that he was building was not going to join the trading route. Worse yet, in fact, the road was going nowhere.
They were silent until the monk stood and left. A year after that, the same monk walked up to the man, who was still building the road to nowhere, and asked him why he was still building that same road. The man responded by saying he had put so much effort into building the road, that he just could not stop.
The moral of the story and the lesson learned is a simple one: persisting in some behaviors goes nowhere. In the conflict contest, there is no destination, no end and certainly no prize.
In the remaining blogs in this Series, we will begin to address how to (really) win the conflict contest. Like the man building a road that goes nowhere, it means walking away from something unfinished and doing something else. Please stay tuned.
