Marriage & Divorce
  • Home
  • Marriage
  • Divorce
  • Books
  • Resources
    • Video Series Explaining Game Theory
    • 13 Booklets for Professionals
    • Marriage Series
      • Discussions to have before marriage
      • Discussions to have after your first argument
    • Divorce Series
      • Having an amicable divorce
      • People are rational, but can be trapped into making terrible choices in the family law system
      • Skills needed for an amicable divorce
      • Winning isn’t Everything
    • Co-parenting Series
      • Communication in a Co-Parenting Relationship
      • Co-parenting Series: Getting Perspective on Co-Parenting – 1. Introduction
      • Raising healthy children as separated parents
      • Healthy Co-parenting Skills
      • Taking Action: Becoming an expert problem-solver
  • About
  • Contact
  • Search
  • Menu Menu
Blogs
Co-parenting Series, Healthy Co-parenting Skills

Co-parenting Skills for Success: SKILL #1. Do Not Take Criticisms Personally, and Listen When it Contains Useful Information

This Blog is the first in a Series focusing on the skills needed to avoid or escape from destructive divorce conflict.  These skills are directed to separated parents who must continue to have a parenting relationship after the separation.  Most people caught in divorce conflict would like to escape and move on with their lives, but all too often blame the other parent for the conflict. As a result, they make themselves helpless.  If it is the other person’s fault, then there is nothing a person can do to stop it.  However, there are steps a person can take to escape divorce conflict, even when the other person continues to engage in conflict-causing behavior.  In this Series, we will identify ten Skills and provide information on how to learn these skills.  These skills are likely to have other positive effects, because they apply to all human relationships.  

The first skill that we present involves the ability to have healthy reactions to criticism.  Criticism comes in many flavors.  Sometimes a criticism is very direct (“you are such an a**hole”), sometimes they are a bit subtler (“If you loved the kids, you would be on time”) and sometimes there are no words involved at all (just a sneer and rolling of the eyes).  Some criticisms are implied, but not directly communicated, such as when you greet the other parson and he/she ignores you.  The implication is the criticism that you do not deserve the respect of a polite response.  In divorce conflict, these criticisms often provoke angry responses, like defensive behavior, angry criticisms of the other person, or similar odd behavior, such as ignoring the other person.  

The root of all these inappropriate responses is in taking criticisms personally.

Do not take criticisms personally.  This is not a trick of the mind or a pretend, because criticisms really are not personal.  It is a commentary about the person doing the criticism, not you. Much of the time, it is the way the other person is handling, or in this case, mishandling their emotions- by saying things or doing things that are immature and/or nonsense.  

There is no rational connection between loving children and being on time.  A sneer and a rolling of the eyes is an ineffective way of dealing with hurt or anger. Most criticisms are a poor way of identifying a problem because they do not suggest a solution.  Criticisms define the person making the criticism, not the person being criticized, and therefore, they are not personal.  

It takes practice to get used to not taking criticisms personally, but when you do, you find that you escape the negative reactions to them.  In fact, in most cases, you do not need to respond at all, although some response might be polite.  For example, in response to the “you are such an a**hole” comment, you might respond: “I am truly sorry that you think that”.  Sometimes a polite smile will be sufficient.  What is not called for is to use this information as a defensive response (“You are just proving how immature you are”).  Get it now?

Some criticisms have some useful information, so it is worth listening, even though you are not taking it personally.

Here is a twist.  Some criticisms have some useful information, so it is worth listening, even though you are not taking it personally.  For example, “If you loved the children, you wouldn’t be late.  The children were really upset.”  Here, you would not take the criticism personally, but there is useful information about the children.  You might respond, “Thank you for telling me this.  I will talk with the children about it.”  In another example, “You are such an a**hole for telling your sister that I am a liar.”  If it is true that you told your sister this, this is useful information.  You might respond, “You are right.  Neither one of us should be saying bad things about each other to other people. I am sorry and will try to correct this with my sister.” Here, the response is to the useful information only, because you did not take the name-calling personally.  

In short, a useful skill to avoid or escape divorce conflict is to not take criticisms personally, but to listen carefully and respectfully to the criticism in case it contains useful information.  There are not many advantages to a divorce, but one is not having to defend yourself any longer.  

Skills take practice in order to become good at them, so practice and be patient, even if you slip at times.

Share this entry
  • Share on Facebook
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on WhatsApp
  • Share on LinkedIn
  • Share on Reddit
  • Share by Mail
/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/logo-marriage-and-divorce-books.svg 0 0 Kenneth Waldron /wp-content/uploads/2023/05/logo-marriage-and-divorce-books.svg Kenneth Waldron2019-08-10 13:06:392023-07-26 11:11:36Co-parenting Skills for Success: SKILL #1. Do Not Take Criticisms Personally, and Listen When it Contains Useful Information

Categories

Search by Topic

addiction affairs bias careers cheating child-friendly Children children's perspective co-parent co-parenting concerns debt democrat divorced parents flexibility getting emotional grown children healthy co-parenting in-laws listening lying money problems mother-in-law negative beliefs political arguments relocation republican taking sides voting working as a team
Marriage and Divorce logo

© 2023 All rights reserved. | 1 Day Website by Bizzy Bizzy
Co-parenting Skills for Success: SKILL #2. Bridging the Gap Between Two Different...Co-parenting Skills for Success: Skills Might be Part of the Solution to Co-parenting...
Scroll to top

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

OKLearn more×

Cookie and Privacy Settings



How we use cookies

We may request cookies to be set on your device. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website.

Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.

Essential Website Cookies

These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features.

Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. But this will always prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site.

We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. You are free to opt out any time or opt in for other cookies to get a better experience. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain.

We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. You can check these in your browser security settings.

Google Analytics Cookies

These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience.

If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:

Other external services

We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.

Google Webfont Settings:

Google Map Settings:

Google reCaptcha Settings:

Vimeo and Youtube video embeds:

Other cookies

The following cookies are also needed - You can choose if you want to allow them:

Privacy Policy

You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page.

Terms and Conditions
Accept settingsHide notification only