Marriage & Divorce
  • Home
  • Marriage
  • Divorce
  • Books
  • Resources
    • Video Series
    • Booklets
    • Marriage Series
      • Discussions to have before marriage
      • Discussions to have after your first argument
    • Divorce Series
      • Having an amicable divorce
      • People are rational, but can be trapped into making terrible choices in the family law system
      • Skills needed for an amicable divorce
      • Winning isn’t Everything
    • Co-parenting Series
      • Communication in a Co-Parenting Relationship
      • Co-parenting Series: Getting Perspective on Co-Parenting – 1. Introduction
      • Raising healthy children as separated parents
      • Healthy Co-parenting Skills
      • Taking Action: Becoming an expert problem-solver
  • About
  • Contact
  • Menu Menu
Blogs
Divorce Series, Winning isn't Everything

Divorce: Winning Isn’t Everything – 3. Redefining Winning

 In Blogs #1 and #2, of this Series, we made the point that part of being human is the desire to be “right” and to win.  This is true in any contest.  In tennis for example, a player might be excited to be right when predicting the direction the opponent would run.  Being right and winning are important, including in conflict contests, when people disagree.

While this is an important human characteristic that often serves people well, as we point out in Blog #2, it can sometimes be a path that goes nowhere and can be very self-defeating.    The difference between divorced and separated parents who get along with each other, and those who do not, is not because the ones who get along do not like to be right and win. The difference is in how they define winning.

The key is how to define winning.

Sarah and Bob are separated parents.  They were happily married for the first few years, but then began the nasty arguing.  It started with little arguments about how one of them was treating the other one, and continued with minor disagreements about how to handle money and even chores around their apartment.  They each wanted to win their arguments, which meant proving that they were right.

As these arguments expanded, because they were unable to resolve them, the desire to win shifted to proving that their differing opinions were right and that the other person was wrong.  Over time, it got worse.  Each person insisted they were better than the other person, accusing the other person of being a jerk, or worse.  Most of those arguments included a lot of degrading comments about each other, walking off without anything solved and not talking for days at a time.  Unfortunately, they had children, making the situation even more complicated.  They were as unable to resolve disagreements about the children as their other disagreements.

One day, Sarah found someone “better” than Bob, who agreed with her that Bob was the jerk.   Sarah and Bob had a messy divorce.  Even after the divorce, they hardly ever talked and were still trying to win when dealing with each other.  They continued to argue through their children, and both of them tried to be their children’s favorite parent. This was all done to prove that he or she was really better than the other parent and that the other parent really was a jerk.  These parents will likely be trying to win their arguments with one another while on their deathbeds.

Dick and Mary were also happily married for the first few years and also had children.  They discovered differences that were problems, but generally resolved those differences.  Mary’s career led to her needing to move to a nearby big city, and Dick liked his small business and did not want to move.  They both wanted to win.  Mary wanted Dick to sell his business and move, to prove that she was more important than his work, and Dick wanted Mary to give up her career and stay to prove that he was more important than her career.  Neither one of them gave in, and they divorced.

Dick stayed, and Mary moved, but they both wanted to win at raising their children well, in spite of being disappointed (even bitter) about the end of their marriage.  They were respectful of one another and cooperated in sharing the children, helping the children succeed in school, and being involved together with the children in their activities.  This meant talking with one another often, being flexible with a custody schedule, being together at activities and school meetings and coming to agreements on how to raise the children.  In order to win at parenting, they kept their bad feelings about the marriage failure to themselves.

Sarah and Bob and Dick and Mary all wanted to win.  They simply defined winning differently.

Sarah and Bob were trying to win a battle of egos – who was the better person and who was the jerk; who was right and who was wrong.  Dick and Mary accepted the end of their marriage with bitter and sad feelings, but decided (together) to win the Parenting Game.  The results in both cases were predictable.  Sarah and Bob paid the price with troubled children, a miserable family experience and never won anything.  All they could do was be smug and still think that they were better than each other.  Dick and Mary lost their marriage and were deeply sad, but recovered, remarried and had successful happy children.

Who won?  You decide.

Share this entry
  • Share on Facebook
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on WhatsApp
  • Share on LinkedIn
  • Share on Reddit
  • Share by Mail
/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/logo-marriage-and-divorce-books.svg 0 0 Kenneth Waldron /wp-content/uploads/2023/05/logo-marriage-and-divorce-books.svg Kenneth Waldron2021-05-16 20:23:322023-07-24 13:40:37Divorce: Winning Isn’t Everything – 3. Redefining Winning

Categories

Marriage and Divorce logo
© 2023 All rights reserved. | 1 Day Website by Bizzy Bizzy
Divorce: Winning Isn’t Everything Series – 4. Flying SoloDivorce: Winning Isn’t Everything Series – 2. Winning the Conflict...
Scroll to top

This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse the site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.

OKLearn more×

Cookie and Privacy Settings



How we use cookies

We may request cookies to be set on your device. We use cookies to let us know when you visit our websites, how you interact with us, to enrich your user experience, and to customize your relationship with our website.

Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.

Essential Website Cookies

These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features.

Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, refusing them will have impact how our site functions. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. But this will always prompt you to accept/refuse cookies when revisiting our site.

We fully respect if you want to refuse cookies but to avoid asking you again and again kindly allow us to store a cookie for that. You are free to opt out any time or opt in for other cookies to get a better experience. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain.

We provide you with a list of stored cookies on your computer in our domain so you can check what we stored. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. You can check these in your browser security settings.

Google Analytics Cookies

These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience.

If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:

Other external services

We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.

Google Webfont Settings:

Google Map Settings:

Google reCaptcha Settings:

Vimeo and Youtube video embeds:

Other cookies

The following cookies are also needed - You can choose if you want to allow them:

Privacy Policy

You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page.

Terms and Conditions
Accept settingsHide notification only