Allan and Ken have much in common. They both entered service professions early in their lives. Service in a profession begins with a commitment to make an effort to improve the quality of other people’s lives.
Allan committed to family law, which encompasses both marriage and divorce, focusing on both the financial futures of the spouses and the futures of the family, especially when there are minor children. He has been at the beginning of marriages, in the joyous role of marrying couples and at the painful end of marriages when spouses divorce. He has not only served as an advocate in countless thousands of cases, but also served both spouses as a mediator or an arbitrator in many more cases. His skills led to him being a member of prestigious attorney groups, enjoying a national reputation, and doing professional publications both before and in conjunction with Ken.
Ken committed to psychology, with an initial focus on child psychology, but that quickly morphed into family therapy. The next inevitable step was a focus on marital therapy which also quickly morphed into a focus on divorce and post-divorce family life for children. Ken was soon aware that great minds had come before him, and he developed an almost obsessive interest in studying the research of others and eventually conducting his own research. The vague quality of therapy with questionable results in the 1970’s disturbed Ken. He wanted evidence-based approaches – especially ones that proved to be successful. He too enjoyed a national reputation, generating professional publications both before and in conjunction with Allan.
Both Ken and Allan are semi-retired, but are sitting on a significant and substantial amount of useful information, from their respective experiences, from other like-minded experienced professionals and from extensive study of literature and research. After decades of being in a service profession, the desire to be of help to others just does not fade away. Allan and Ken therefore turned to publishing books, blogs and booklets featured on our website, with a focused and intense commitment to share this information with others.
It is fortunate that evolution gave us these extraordinary gifts. However, they are information to consider, not guidance on how to live our lives. When getting married, when married but having serious trouble, and when getting a divorce, feelings and emotions provide useful information, but are poor guides for what to do. These are major life transitions that require us to put on our grown-up pants and rely mostly on our reason, and not our feelings and emotions.
Feelings and emotions are information to be considered when we use our brains to make choices. They can be dominant information. For example, if we want to have some fun socializing, our feelings about past socializing can dictate our choices. However, if we have been through an unexpected life crisis, our feelings can be poor guides on how to respond, and worse yet, can lead to disastrous choices.
Serious marital problems and divorce disasters are almost always the result of people relying too much on their feelings and emotions to make choices,
Falling in love and considering marriage, or even just living together, is a major transition from all of the benefits and drawbacks of being single to all of the benefits and drawbacks of being married. Seeking employment or unexpectedly losing a job are other examples of major life transitions. Facing a marriage with problems that have no solutions and moving towards a divorce is another example. Losses, such as a child dying, is another example. Our point is that all, or almost all, humans face desired and unwanted life transitions.
First come the feelings and emotions, which provide us with very useful information. If we are ecstatic when we think about marrying someone, we know that we are in love and that our love will buffer some of the difficulties associated with marriage. If a marriage to someone seems better than the freedom of complete control of how to spend money and to stop having multiple relationships with the opposite sex, we know that we might be willing to give up those advantages of being single. However, if we suddenly lose a job, or one of our children faces serious medical problems, our initial emotional reactions can be roadblocks to moving forward with a good Plan. To
make major decisions at this phase of high emotion can lead to disasters, escalating the losses or leading to poor outcomes. The best outcomes come from listening to our feelings, but then using our head to make a good plan.
In the experience of your authors, the worst marital problems and the worst divorces are those driven by feelings and emotions, rather than well thought out plans.
Most life transitions have several to many individual challenges that need a Plan. For example, two people considering marriage, describe one of the potential marital problems as having their mutual and individual friendships becoming a point of disagreement.
This brief example is likely to be much more complicated in real life and only one of the many discussions that people could have when considering marriage. However, it demonstrates the planning process.
Not all problems or disagreements can be foreseen. In fact, most cannot be predicted. However, when a disagreement does arise, after emotions flair, it is time to apply our goal-based, Four Step Planning Model. However, the necessary ingredients for success (discussed next in #3 below) and skills for resolving disagreements (discussed last in #4 below), are also essential.
The wisdom in this quote is that grown-up attitudes and behavior are a necessary ingredient in planning a marriage or a divorce. In our book, we list nine necessary ingredients, too many to discuss in this brief introduction and overview. However, let’s focus on one of those ingredients. i.e., impeccable honesty.
Spouses and even ex-spouses must have the reputation with one another that they can be trusted to be impeccably honest with one another. While some of this is obvious, many people learned as children to avoid responsibility by telling half-truths, giving “spin” to their stories or flat-out lying. Distrust in a marriage or between parents who are divorced is poison. Although people can get away with a lie or two, no one can get away with a pattern of dishonesty. As soon as one or both spouses, or parents if divorced, develop a reputation of not to be trusted, the relationship becomes dysfunctional.
Honesty serves other important matters as well. For example, dishonesty always reflects insecurities and selfishness. Becoming impeccably honest leads to confidence and, paradoxically, also turns out to be best for both spouses, or parents. In a sense, it is truly more selfish, even though also selfless, than lying. Impeccable honesty resolves insecurities and leads to a balance of selfishness and a concern for others.
Two people in a functional marital and/or parental relationship must include not only an honest concern for themselves but also an honest concern for the other person.
People have differences, and differences lead to disagreements. People lacking or weak in the skills necessary for resolving disagreements typically end up in arguments that morph into conflict and lead to increasingly negative views of one another. They
divorce and then provide their children with a messy divorce and a dysfunctional post-divorce family experience.
Spouses, or separated parents, blame each other for the problem, but the source of the problem is not them. It is what happens when people in close relationships lack or lag the skills for resolving disagreements.
Our research identifies seven necessary Disagreement Resolution Skills. Those are listed in other blogs and booklets on this website and are too involved to detail here. In fact, they are only presented in detail, along with definitions and exercises for learning the skills, in our books. Our important point here is that learning these skills allows for making effective plans, solving problems and resolving disagreements.
Divorced parents often enter their divorce life with the fantasy that they no longer have to deal with one another and no longer have to resolve disagreements. They are soon disabused of this fantasy. They can continue with their dysfunctional relationship, still blaming one another, but still do not demonstrate the skills needed to resolve inevitable disagreements. When spouses, or divorced parents effectively resolve disagreements, they create an effective team.
In successful marriages, disagreements take up very little time, freeing them up to enjoy most of the time when involved with one another. They can also teach their children these important skills so that when their children face disagreements with others in their adult relationships, they have much less conflict in their lives.
Ken and Allan
1 Your authors have published extensively on marriage and divorce. See: www.marriageanddivorce.org. Among other books, they published The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work in 2023 and Planning a Sensible Divorce: Avoid the Toxic Dance of a Messy Divorce in 2024. See also https://www.unhookedmedia.com/stock/game-theory-the-transformation-of-family-law. Throughout our careers, we have jointly presented to lawyers and judges throughout the world.
2 The exception, as noted at the beginning of this blog, relates to people with embedded mental health problems.
