Marriage Series: “vive la difference”
Translated accurately, vive la difference means “long live the difference,” but more to the point, it means to celebrate differences. This is especially true in marriages. Sadly, many young, and not so young, people in the market for marriage equate “differences” with “incompatible.” This could not be further from the truth.
There are two reasons many people make this mistake:
First, we have experienced in the last 80 years, a tremendous shift in the culture of marriage. Historically, marriage has been about control, and in most cultures, mostly about men controlling women. This remains true in many cultures today, but in western societies, a feminist revolution took place.
There were three stages: (1) first with women getting the vote, (2) second with women being allowed (by law) to own property, and (3) finally with marriage shifting from strict roles to an egalitarian relationship between spouses. In this last stage, still going on, women also entered the work force and moved wages in the direction of male levels. This shift reinforces the egalitarian nature of marriage because women are no longer dependent on the financial support of men.
An egalitarian marriage means that both spouses have equal say in the design of their marriage, and when spouses disagree, neither has the final say. It also means that males and females are no longer constricted to playing narrow roles in marriage and with children. As a result, the differences between spouses are no longer quashed by culture or tradition.
While freeing spouses from constricting roles, this new marriage also presented challenges. Differences between spouses cause disagreements with no final decision maker to resolve the disagreement. Therefore, the natural tendency for potential spouses is to minimize, or even try to eliminate, differences between them in order to minimize disagreements. People contemplating marriage, see differences as reasons not to marry that person, that is, they see the potential partner as “incompatible.” This is a huge mistake, as we see in recent statistics telling us that younger generations are not marrying at the same level as in the past. It is nearly impossible to find a potential marital partner with no challenging differences.
Second, there has been a growing level of self-centeredness in our culture.[1] As a result, many people expect a marital partner to be very much like themselves. Too much of a difference can be seen as a problem of incompatibility. In a January 30, 2025 letter to the editor and article in the New York Times, a woman described herself as very ambitious and her dating partner as much less ambitious> She asks if that is a “deal breaker”. She even describes loving her boyfriend and describes the relationship as mostly good. This is a good example of our point.
The problem with seeing differences as a possible reason to avoid marriage is that doing so eliminates almost every potential spouse. Differences are inevitable. Some of those differences might not create disagreements, but many inevitably will. The “solution” reached in these situations often leads people to judging the other person and wanting them to change. In our example earlier, the woman might want her more lackadaisical partner to become more ambitious, and he might want her to be less so. This approach is often the beginning of a doomed relationship.
The marital issue is not the differences between spouses. It is to resolve disagreements successfully when those differences cause one.
Vive la difference; skills make the difference. This wisdom is a mere rephase of the title of this blog. An egalitarian marriage means that a successful marriage is achieved by having the necessary skills for resolving disagreements in a way that works well for both spouses.
We do not mean to minimize the effects of differences on a marriage. The reason is because the disagreements that arise from some differences can be very challenging. In addition, a couple can be tempted to judge one another negatively. However, even challenging disagreements can usually be resolved with good skills. When a couple can do that, their differences become a rich part of their marriage, often balancing each other out and taking both spouses beyond where they would be without the differences.
The thrust of our book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work, is to identify the basic conditions for a successful marriage and the skills needed to resolve any disagreements successfully. When considering marriage, most differences between romantic partners can be ignored and often even celebrated.[2] The focus should be on gaining the skills for resolving disagreements when those differences create one.
[1] The Book, The Narcissistic Epidemic, details the research supporting this assertion.
[2] Some differences cannot and should not be ignored, because they fail to meet the basic conditions for a successful marriage.
