Marriage Series: Having a Successful Marriage Takes Skill: Criticisms
Remember those days when you were young and someone criticized you? Recently, we read about on-line criticisms driving young teens to suicide. Social shame is powerful. As we got older, our reactions to criticism become tempered, but for most, never really go away.
Dennis was one of the early readers of our book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work. He is 26-years old, unmarried, but living with a woman. The first time Waldron saw him (after he read the book), Dennis commented that the skill – how to hear and handle criticism – resonated with him. He also admitted this was also a major problem with his mother, both growing up but even currently.
When asked how he was handling criticisms in his relationship, he admitted he gets defensive, makes excuses and usually ends up criticizing her. “We usually end up apologizing to one another, and then we just ignore it.”
He also said, “I really got the criticism skill in your book. I am working really hard on it.” Waldron’s only advice was that his partner also read it and that they learn the skills together.
Criticisms in marriage go to the core of each spouse. Early in a marriage, criticisms can cause painful arguments, often marked by throwing criticism back and forth. Later, those criticisms become embedded in how spouses view one another. “You forgot” can morph into “You don’t care.”
The skill for handling criticisms begins with understanding what a criticism is: It is really a statement about the person doing the criticizing. This is not just a mental trick; it is fact. If Dennis were to yell at his partner and say “You are just like my mother. All you do is point out my mistakes,” he is saying something about himself- not his partner nor his mother. He is saying that he has not mastered criticisms and reacts immaturely when weaknesses or mistakes are pointed out.
Let’s step back and listen to what Dennis’ partner might have said. “You know how hard work has been for me. You promised you would take me out for dinner. Instead, you forgot.” If Dennis truly understood what was going on, he would not have reacted with his own criticism.
This is the first part of the skill of handling criticisms in a relationship: Learn what the criticism really means? Second, listen to the criticism, because there is often useful information.
The interaction here started when his partner made her criticism of Dennis forgetting to take her out to dinner. If he had not taken her criticism personally, what could he say? What is the useful information he needed? It could be: that his partner might not have clearly conveyed how distressing her work was or that he is not as tuned into her as she would like or that he really does have a memory problem.
He could have explored those possibilities with his partner if he/they want a great relationship. All three possibilities have solutions. What useful information might his initial reaction have had for his partner? It could be that she is harsh in her judgments of him. These need discussion in the relationship, and by understanding each perspective, they can problem solve. For example, she might come to understand that she wishes that somebody else can find a way to reduce the stress of her work life. Work stress is her challenge and sluffing that off on Dennis, and getting angry when he doesn’t solve her problem, changes her challenge into a problem with no solution. What Dennis can learn from the criticism is that It is important to his partner that he remember and keep promises. There are numerous ways to augment memory, a problem that he can solve. By not taking a criticism personally, in this example, Dennis can helpfully focus his partner on what she can do about her work stress.
By not taking criticisms personally, but always listening for useful information, spouses can identify solutions to real problems. If Dennis’ partner had conveyed sufficiently how distressed she was at work, they could develop a plan.
Summary. By not taking a criticism personally, but listening for important information, a couple can get to know each other better and develop solutions to problems rather than escalating negative thinking about one another.
