Marriage Series. Discussions to Have Before Marriage: Crushes
The blogs in this Series describe helpful discussions to have before marriage.[1] In a sense, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. These discussions set a framework within which couples considering marriage, or are already married, can predict typical points of disagreement and plan for them.
Affairs during marriage often lead to divorce, partly because, for most people, marital infidelity is a blow difficult, if not impossible, to overcome. In survey research, the number one reason given for a divorce is affairs. We do not have good statistics on the number of married people in which one of the spouses has an affair, but the best available research suggests that it is about twenty-five percent of marriages. A common assumption is that men are the more frequent violators. However, in fact, divorce statistics indicate that women are even more inclined.
Of course, affairs are often a symptom of underlying problems with the individual or the marriage, but being tempted by someone of the opposite sex is relatively common and might even be a normal issue to face in marriage. Evolution rewarded reproduction and might put unconscious pressure on people to have affairs when the sex in a marriage becomes a little mundane or infrequent.
A discussion prior to marriage about affairs is wise.
If both spouses are absolutely opposed to affairs, they are forewarned that an affair will likely lead to the demise of the marriage. Their views might change if they have been married for a long time and have much to lose in a divorce, but at least going in, both are forewarned.
A discussion about Crushes is Essential
However, a potentially more useful discussion prior to marrying, rather than affairs, might be to talk about how “crushes” on other people should be handled in the marriage. Although there are spontaneous opportunities for sexual liaisons, most affairs begin with getting a crush on someone. In fact, while not true of all marriages, getting “crushes” is fairly common. Crushes begin in many ways, but often include both people developing love-like feelings for one another. This can build a certain amount of pressure to take the relationship further in the direction of an affair. Often crushes have a lot of fantasy involved, that somehow the person involved in the crush makes up for perceived weaknesses in the marital relationship (e.g., “He really understands me.”). Sometimes, the promise of more affection with the object of a crush than perhaps is true in a long-term marriage can be tempting.
When in the throes of pre-marital romance, this might seem like a silly discussion to prospective spouses, and it might turn out to be so. However, “an ounce of prevention” can be wise. Opening such a discussion, before the crush has escalated to a serious problem enhances trust in the marriage. The other spouse will likely have to address his or her reactions to the news, but at least the issue can be addressed before real harm is done. Marital partners must accept that while they have control over whether or not to have an affair, most people cannot control whether or not they get a crush on someone.
One advantage of having an agreement that the spouse with the crush will initiate a discussion about the crush, prior to acting on it, is that the crush might be a symptom of a problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed. It could also indicate an unresolved problem in the spouse with the crush. Another advantage to agreeing to a discussion is that a plan might be needed to keep the marriage safe and in tact. For example, if the crush is on a co-worker, a plan for managing the relationship between the spouse and the co-worker might enhance trust in the marriage.
Summary
Crushes on other people are a fairly common, although not universal occurrences, in marriages. They might indicate an underlying problem in the marriage, but they might also indicate that spouses are human and vulnerable to feelings. Discussing how crushes will be handled in a marriage requires having an open discussion about it if and when they occur. This can prevent a spouse from heading down the destructive road to an affair. A discussion might also alert spouses to an underlying problem in the marriage or in one of the spouses that needs attention.
In brief, it is healthy for spouses to bring up crushes for discussion if and when they occur. Such a discussion may cause embarrassment or even ignite serious underlying insecurities. However, at the same time, such a discussion keeps control of the marriage in the spouses’ hands and hopefully keeps the marriage safe. A marriage can be a great joy but also has pitfalls. Some of those pitfalls can be anticipated before marrying, when it is easiest to develop a plan. Planning for crushes is a good example.
[1] This blog is also appliable regarding helpful discussions to have during the marriage.
