Marriage Series: Changing Beliefs About Your Marriage

“Your Marriage Book is Very Interesting, but You Don’t Know my Spouse!”

In our book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work, we introduce and describe nine important principles [Nine Essential Ingredients to a Successful Marriage] and seven essential skills [Seven Skills for resolving marital disagreements].  Our research indicates that when spouses have these ingredients and skills to resolve disagreements, they will likely have limited conflict and a successful marriage. Sadly, far too many people will not believe this.  They might read our book and,if they do, they might not use the information to improve their marriage.  Why is that?

Most people who are married, or plan to marry, really want a successful marriage. Our evidence-based book tells them exactly how to do it.  So, again, why the disconnect?

The answer to our question is somewhat complicated, but in simple terms, our minds are programed to develop beliefs to help us predict the future so that we can survive.  In primitive times, humans had beliefs about where they would find food and how to gather or hunt.  In primitive times, if we went to where we usually find food and suddenly there was no food there, we would be shocked, but we would likely still go back a few times to be sure.  This belief was based on experience, and that helped them eat and survive.  In modern times, we remember at which stores to buy the food we want and like.

In other words, once we have a belief, we don’t even think about the decision. Even when the belief is no longer true, we are still reluctant to give the belief up and try something new.

Humans are very reluctant to give up their beliefs.  In fact. research shows that you really cannot talk people out of their beliefs.  Think about modern politics. Presenting a different point of view rarely leads to a change of belief.

Beliefs about marriage are also tough to change.

After being in a marriage for a while, spouses develop beliefs about their marriage, and more importantly, about each other.  In a marriage going poorly, those beliefs tend to be about their spouse and seem to explain why their marriage is so unsatisfying.   Marriage beliefs are  tough to change. If the marriage is going poorly, those beliefs tend to be pretty negative.  If your authors would try to talk them out of those beliefs and convince them that what is in our book is the “truth”, we will fail much of the time.  This is because people are naturally programmed to hang on to their beliefs, and often, no amount of new information will change their beliefs.  Again, think about political or values discussions.  Another human trait is an obstacle to changing a marriage.  When there is a history of marital conflict, it can reach what is called “intractable conflict.”  If the spouses begin to make headway and improve the marriage, but have just one bad argument, they are likely to bounce all the way back to their negative beliefs about each other and “give up” trying to improve.

There is hope surrounding changing beliefs. Research shows that people can and do change their beliefs, but only when their old beliefs fail them long enough because they keep getting contradictory information.

A person might have a favorite store, where every time they go, they find what they need.  If the store changes owners, and the person going there repeatedly cannot find what he/she needs or the quality is poor, they will finally give up, change their belief and go somewhere else.  However, this might only occur after several, or quite a few, failed trips to that store.

Developing beliefs and being very reluctant to change those beliefs, even when they fail, is hardwired into humans.

The Question: How can we (your co-authors) or our marriage book change people’s minds about how to make their marriage successful or at least substantially improve it?

The Answer: Making your marriage successful takes a little bit of effort, but it can be done.  Please read on.

• When doing marriage counseling, Ken often began with the question: “Tell me how you met.” This would begin a detailed discussion about the spouses’ early days, before they had developed their negative beliefs.
• Another successful strategy that Ken used was to explain that in a marriage, people come to see not only the good in one another, but also the bad. He might then say something like, “Well, you have told me about the bad.  Now tell me about the good.”  This strategy was often successful because it is an accurate assessment, and couples got the idea right away.  Ken often had the experience of couples looking at each other, trying to remember the good, to which Ken would say, “Looks like its been a while, but all the good is still there.”

A successful marriage is really a matter of percentages. When the “good” in both spouses is in evidence for a very high percentage of the time, and when the “bad” in each of them only gets a little stage time, the marriage is successful. The point is that the “bad” usually has a kernel of truth, but in a successful marriage, the “good” greatly outweighs the “bad.”

Our book provides valuable information how to change those percentages of dealing mostly with the good in each other!

However, our book is not therapy.  Ken and Allan do not have the opportunity to have the discussions with potential readers, as illustrated above.  We cannot even convince people to read the book if they have the belief that it will not help them in their marriage.  If they have come to believe that “My spouse is hopeless,” they will dismiss our proven approach, believing that “It might work for other people, but “you don’t know my spouse.”

All we can do is give presentations or have articles published and address the reluctance of people to give the book a chance to improve their marriages.  If successful, this might persuade some people to take the plunge, read the book, apply the principles, use the skills and watch their marriage improve! Hope springs eternal!

            Our question is simple: “What have you got to lose?”  The book costs about $20.00 and is meant to be an easy (i.e., “fun”) read.

When you read it, do it with your spouse/partner together with two questions in mind:

1. “What if what we believe about each other is wrong?” and
2. “What have we got to lose trying?”

[1] This blog and others can be found under the “Resources” section on our website: marriageanddivorce.org. In addition, we recommend your checking out the website for free articles, blogs and other helpful materials.