Managing Emotions in a Divorce

Most divorces are dominated in the early stages by strong emotions.  At the same time, the biggest obstacles to having a sensible divorce are strong emotions.  It is, therefore, not surprising that as many as 80% of divorcing spouses make major mistakes handling their divorce because the process is dominated by their strong emotions.  In fact, these mistakes can mildly or seriously damage the rest of their lives, and when they have children, the rest of their children’s lives.  Although many divorcing spouses have heard of amicable divorces, and no doubt, wish that they could have one, they feel helpless to achieve that dream.

In almost every case, when strong emotions are not managed, spouses feel helpless because they blame the other spouse for the problems. In addition, and worse yet, they lose what little control that they had in the marriage  at the time of the divorce.

In order to have a sensible divorce, meaning one that is largely amicable, with the focus on making a good plan for both of them and their children, spouses must manage their strong emotions.  By properly managing these emotions, they resolve them or set them aside, so that they can make a Divorce Plan where both of them reach future goals, for themselves and for their children.

This blog briefly outlines the causes of these strong emotions.  By understanding the causes, divorcing spouses can begin to manage the strong emotions so that they do not interfere with making a good divorce plan.  Strong emotions need effective management:

1. Unresolved Feelings. Most divorcing spouses have a great deal of frustration and anger over how poorly their marriage has gone.  They often blame their spouse for the failure, whom they cannot control.  Thus, they enter a divorce with those unresolved feelings.
2. Spouses on Different Timelines. Research suggests that at least one of the spouses had decided on a divorce at least two years before it is announced to the other spouse. During that two-year time gap, at least one of the spouses often has engaged in behavior that is particularly damaging, such as having affairs, ignoring one another, becoming violent (with words and sometimes behavior) or suffering from substance abuse, and the like. They enter a divorce on different timelines.
3. Hope Disappears. The reality of a divorce is often a blow because it means giving up hope. This usually leads to a good deal of guilt and shame.  Guilt and shame are difficult emotions to handle, and are often covered up with anger and blame.  If the divorce is the spouse’s fault, there is less reason to feel guilt and shame.   Finally, they enter a divorce when hope disappears.

In other words, emotions are naturally running very high as spouses enter into the divorce process.

But wait, it gets worse…

4. Problematic Biases. Three biases will emerge in most divorces: (1) “Overconfidence Bias” (when in conflict, people believe themselves to be right and the other person wrong), (2) “Tribal Warfare Bias” (where each spouse gets people lined up on their side, often telling negative stories about the spouse, and against their spouse), and (3) “Judgment Bias” (where each spouse judges the other spouse by their actions and judge themselves by their intentions). These biases magnify the negative emotions when the spouses are on the path to divorce.
5. Anger Combined with Some Love. A divorce means a great deal of loss, and as most people know, one of the stages of loss is anger.  Although that might seem to provide relief, given how things are going, deep down, there is usually still some degree of love there, which is a complicating factor.
6. Fear of More Loss. The legal event of a divorce screams loss!e., loss of property, loss of income, loss of time with children, loss of some friends, loss of someone once and perhaps still loved.
7. Fear of Living Alone. Fear of Dating Again. These and other fears are real.

Wait again, there is one more reason negative emotions escalate in a divorce…

8. Traps of the Legal Divorce. This issue is the real kicker! A legal divorce is all about distribution: property, debt, often future income and time with children.  Distribution is a Zero Sum Game: i.e., where every dollar one spouse gets is a dollar the other spouse loses and where every day with the children that one parent gets is a day lost to the other parent.  A Zero Sum Game is competitive.  Spouses are seen as, and really can be, adversaries. These traps stimulate both spouses’ primitive desires to WIN!

All of these emotions can be overwhelming.  Unless managed,they are the reason that most divorcing spouses make terrible mistakes in their divorce.

A Possible Solution: A Sensible Divorce

The solution is to have a sensible divorce, meaning an amicable one:

• Manage these emotions, out of the gate
• Ignore the legal tasks of distribution initially, and
• Plan together to reach mutual future goals for themselves and for their children

There is a “trick” that can help.  View the divorce as a life-changing event, like losing a job, having a debilitating illness or injury, getting married and so on.  The best approach is to manage the strong emotions, to avoid making impulsive self-destructive choices, and make a plan for the future.

Our book, Planning a Sensible Divorce: Avoid the Toxic Dance of a Messy Divorce, is a “How-To” book.  It is a step-by-step guide to managing emotions and making a good Divorce Plan.  It describes and discusses the necessary skills and outlines how to handle the legal tasks of distribution in order to begin the plan for the future.  Taking these steps of planning together helps ease many of the strong emotions.  Managing them remains a critical task for divorcing spouses.

There is no way to have a divorce without being challenged by intense feelings of fear and loss.  Most lawyers will tell you, however, that if divorce decisions are made with an eye to the future, not the past, and a goal of having both spouses (and where applicable, both parents) come through the divorce amicably, managing strong emotions becomes much easier. Most important, it enhances the likelihood of having a sensible divorce and a happy and successful life after divorce.