Divorce Series: Modern Trends, Risks and Solutions in Marriage

 

 

INTRODUCTION

Marriage is here to stay, but change is Inevitable. It is a well-known fact that change is a constant in all things.  This is as true of human institutions as it is of all things human.  Institutions age and circumstances change, often for the better but sometimes for the worse.  Marriage has changed through the centuries and even the millennia.  Of course, the primary function of all living things, including marriage, is to propagate the species and to allow evolution to do its magic.  In the case of humans, the special problem of taking the young so long to grow to self-sufficiency has made necessary the pairing of males and females for long periods of time, i.e., marriage.  Therefore, while marriage is likely to continue to change, it is unlikely that some form of pairing will disappear.  Marriage is here to stay, in some form.

FOUR CHANGES AND TRENDS IN MARRIAGE

While the history of marriage is incredibly interesting, our purpose here is to note four current changes and trends apparently underway.  They are the “Grey Divorce,”[1] “Divorce Regret,”[2] “marriage rate,”[3] and “age of first marriages.”[4]

1. The Grey Divorce

“The Grey Divorce” refers to a doubling of divorce rates to 36% for older people (i.e., over 55 years old), when comparing 1990 to 2010.  The reasons given for divorce in this age group are relatively the same as for younger divorces, with affairs leading the way and “growing apart” second.

This development is striking because in a successful marriage, most of the rough days of marriage are behind the spouses by then, when a marriage should be running fairly smoothly in a highly rewarding manner.  A friend of ours described it this way: a marriage is like a rock-tumbler.  The longer it is plugged in, the smoother the rocks get.

The uptick in the number of Grey Divorces suggests that many spouses are failing to resolve the “nut” of marriage – control.  Control is manifest in a marriage when the efforts of each spouse to get the marriage more to his or her liking.  This is most obvious in the disagreements between spouses.  As a result, when spouses do not master the control issue in the marriage, they fail to get to the last and best stage in the development of a marriage.  The later part of a successful marriage is dominated by diminished disagreements and with a comfortable love and companionship.  A successful marriage for those in their 50’s and 60’s has also built a life full of rewards.  These often include adult children and grandchildren.  It does not get much better than to hear children call out to grandma and grandpa.  The marriage has also usually built a rewarding social life with other couples and friends.  In other words, the rise of the “Grey Divorce” suggests a failure in those cases to reach that last phase and get the best out of marriage.

2. Divorce Regret

“Divorce Regret” refers to a trend, still somewhat small in numbers (5-10% of all new marriages), when divorced spouses marry one another again.  The reasons in each individual case are likely unique, but as a trend, this suggests that many people who have divorced remain ambivalent about whether or not to be together.  When they divorced, the balance of positives and negatives tilted in the direction of the latter, but once separated, perhaps they realize that they undervalued the positives, at least compared to post-divorce life.  However, re-entering marriage with the same person without a substantial change in approach to the problems that likely still exist, might be a major mistake.

To make a success of second chances, new approaches are needed.  Given the research undergirding out book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work[5], the new approaches involve having the skills for successfully resolving differences and disagreements.  Without these, couples fall back on old habits that led to wanting a divorce in the first place.

3. The Marriage Rate

The “Marriage Rate” has been dropping. Fewer people get married per capita than has ever been the case.  First of all, let’s point out how the marriage rate is calculated.  The marriage rate is based on women’s first marriages.  Therefore, we must point out that this is only a very rough estimate of the actual rate and is only useful because it will pick up trends that allow comparing years.  The trend at this time is that fewer and fewer young women are marrying.  As has been pointed out in articles in popular magazines, one of the reasons commonly believed is that it is increasingly difficult to find a potential spouse with whom a woman seems compatible.  Another reason might be that women live with men in a quasi-marriage, but do not do the deed, so to speak.

This issue raises many questions. Could it be that women are also simply less optimistic that a marriage can be a fulfilling positive experience overall?  Is a high divorce rate a reason for pessimism?  Has the quality and characteristics of available men changed for the worse, or are expectations of finding the right mate simply too high?  Is finding a prospective mate with whom the woman is compatible more difficult than in the past?  Has the value and meaning of a successful marriage somehow gotten lost?

There have always obstacles to having a successful marriage but, historically, most people have still been willing to make the effort in hopes of the rewards that a successful marriage offers.

What might be missing is a clear understanding that there are available Solutions-                meaning ways to improve the odds of having a successful marital outcome.

Think, for example, of a young man or woman deciding to play tennis.  Assume that the person goes to a tennis court with another young man or woman, who also would like to play tennis.  Neither knows the rules, and neither has the necessary skills.  Might they get discouraged after several times out, trying to hit the ball back and forth- but spending most of their time chasing the tennis balls.  Compare that to two young people taking lessons together, first learning the rules and then learning and practicing the skills.  Will the encouraging improvements in their games keep them involved with one another, optimistic about the fun that they will have with improvements in the future?

THE QUESTION:

Might reluctant people take a chance on marriage if they have information about how to make marriage work?

THE SOLUTION:

Marriage has rules, and there are skills to learn to play marriage well.

4. The Marriage Rate

The Age of First Marriages is Changing.  This means that, on average, women are choosing to marry at ages later than has been true historically.  This has likely been a very good trend and one that supports the recent (at least beginning in the 1960’s) development of egalitarian marriage.[6]  By that, we mean that beginning in the 1960’s, and continuing to the present, marriages shed the narrow constricting roles for both husbands and wives, This meant that the husband was no longer had a “final decision maker” when there are disagreements.  While history is showing this to be a major improvement for spouses, the egalitarian marriage also brings with it the need for new skills. i.e., skills specifically for resolving marital disagreements successfully.

CONCLUSION

1. Improvements and Opportunities. Few, if any, accomplishments in life match a successful marriage, which often include a family experience with children.  Women waiting until they are established in their adulthood, as well as the egalitarian marriage, are tremendous improvements and opportunities.
   1. Rules and Skills. To have a successful marriage requires understanding and complying with some basic rules and having the skills for resolving the disagreements that inevitably arise from the differences between spouses.
   2. Compatibility between Spouses. While there are some problems that have no marital solutions (e.g., one wants children and the other does not), the work of a marriage over a period of years is to create compatibility between spouse. In an egalitarian marriage, that work takes skills.
2. These are the important subjects of our book, The Road to Marital Success is Unpaved: Seven Skills for Making Marriage Work. The book lists and explains the importance of nine rules, some of which are obvious (e.g., impeccable honesty) and some of which are subtle (e.g., being aware of the dangers of inferential thinking and how to correct thoughts).  The book then addresses the seven research-based skills for addressing disagreements successfully, beginning with a mindset and progressing to the practical “how-to” skills for reaching agreements that are good for both spouses.
3. Whether in a marriage that has become too dull or too conflictual to stay the course in older years, or wanting to go back into a “failed” marriage with new hopes, understanding how to make a marriage work well is essential. While it makes sense to wait to marry until being somewhat established adults, to reach the point of long-term success still requires following rules and having skills for closing the gaps between spouses.
4. Entering a marriage with a clear understanding of the rules that make for success and having the skillsto address the disagreements brought on by inevitable differences, the spouses can have reasonable confidence that they can, in spite of the risks, reach the pot of gold of a long-term successful marriage.

[1] Vox.com

[2] SmartNews.com

[3] Institute for Marital Studies

[4] Ibid

[5] This book is available for purchase at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.  More about marriage at our website, www.marriageanddivorce.org.

 

[6] Historically, women marrying under the age of 23 have had the highest rates of divorce.  Those rates drop quite a bit later in the 20’s.