Divorce Series: Managing Emotions in Divorce

Most divorces are dominated in the early stages by strong emotions.  At the same time, the biggest obstacle to having a sensible divorce is strong emotions.  It is, therefore, not surprising that as many as 80% of divorcing spouses make major mistakes handling their divorce because it is dominated by their strong emotions.  Those mistakes can literally damage the rest of their lives, and when they have children, the rest of their children’s lives.  Although many divorcing spouses have heard of amicable divorces, and no doubt, wish that they could have one, they feel helpless to achieve that dream.

In almost every case, when strong emotions are not managed, spouses feel helpless because they blame the other spouse for the problems and have no control of the other spouse.

In order to have a sensible divorce, meaning one that is largely amicable, spouses must manage their strong emotions.  By properly managing these emotions, they resolve them or set them aside, so that they can make a Divorce Plan where both of them reach future goals, for themselves and for their children.

This blog outlines the causes of these strong emotions.  By understanding the causes, divorcing spouses can begin to manage the strong emotions so that they do not interfere with making a good divorce plan.  Strong emotions need effective management:

1. Unresolved Feelings. Most divorcing spouses have a great deal of frustration and anger over how poorly their marriage has gone.  Thus, they enter a divorce with those unresolved feelings.
2. Spouses on Different Timelines. Research suggests that at least one of the spouses has decided on a divorce about two years before it is announced to the other spouse. During that time gap, at least one of the spouses often has engaged in behavior that is particularly damaging, such as having affairs, ignoring one another, becoming violent (with words and sometimes behavior) or suffering from substance abuse, and the like.
3. Hope Disappears. The reality of a divorce is often a blow because it means giving up hope. This usually leads to a good deal of guilt and shame.  Guilt and shame are difficult emotions to handle, and are often covered up with anger and blame.

In other words, emotions are naturally running very high as spouses enter into the divorce process.

But wait, it gets worse…

4. Problematic Biases: Three biases will emerge: (1) “Overconfidence Bias” (where in conflict, they believe themselves to be right and the other person wrong), (2) “Tribal Warfare Bias” (where each spouse gets people lined up on their side and against their spouse), and (3) “Judgment Bias” (where each spouse judges the other spouse by their actions and judge themselves by their intentions). These biases magnify the negative emotions when the spouses are on the path to divorce.
5. Anger. A divorce means a lot of loss, and as most people know, one of the stages of loss is anger.  Although that might seem to provide relief, given how things are going, deep down, there is usually still some love there, which is a complicating factor.
6. Fear of More Loss. The legal event of a divorce screams loss! Loss of property, loss of income, loss of time with children, loss of some friends, loss of someone once and perhaps still loved.
7. Fear of Living Alone. Fear of Dating Again. These and other fears are real.

Wait again, there is one more reason negative emotions escalate in a divorce…

8. Traps of the Legal Divorce. This issue is the real kicker! A legal divorce is all about distribution: property, debt, often future income and time with children.  Distribution is a Zero Sum Game: where every dollar one spouse gets is a dollar the other spouse loses; where every day with the children that one parent gets is a day lost to the other parent.  A Zero Sum Game is competitive.  Spouses are seen as, and really can be, adversaries.

All of these emotions can be overwhelming.  They are the reason that most divorcing spouses make terrible mistakes in their divorce.

A Possible Solution

The only way to have a sensible divorce, meaning an amicable one, is to:

• manage these emotions,
• ignore the legal tasks of distribution initially, and
• plan together for the future.

Our book, Planning a Sensible Divorce: Avoid the Toxic Dance of a Messy Divorce, is a “How-To” book.  It is a step-by-step guide to managing emotions and making a good Divorce Plan.  It describes and discusses the necessary skills and outlines how to handle the legal tasks of distribution in order to begin the plan for the future.  Taking these steps of planning together helps ease many of the strong emotions.  However, managing them remains a task for divorcing spouses.

There is no way to have a divorce without being challenged by intense feelings of fear and loss.  Most lawyers will tell you, however, that if divorce decisions are made with an eye to the future, not the past, and a goal of having both spouses (and where applicable, both parents) come through the divorce amicably, managing strong emotions becomes much easier. Most important, it enhances the likelihood of having a Sensible Divorce.